


I'm Never Gonna Dance Again

by UnluckiestFridays



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-21 14:50:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18143627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnluckiestFridays/pseuds/UnluckiestFridays
Summary: Captain Jack, River Song, and Missy walk into a bar. They get pissed.





	1. I'm Never Gonna Dance Again

Captain Jack sat at a bar in the 51st century, wearing his usual trenchcoat, suspenders _and_ belt. A half empty glass of scotch sat in front of him with his right hand nursing it. He surveyed the area around him for both potential threats and someone hot. It was kind of hard because everyone in the bar was hot to him, but he kept looking for the one. 

It was only when he casually turned around to look behind him for said one, that he spotted two women at a table. They were both watching him carefully, and he turned back around just to be sure they _were_ watching him, not someone else. When he faced them again, he was positive it was him. A cheeky grin spread across his face, flashing his perfect teeth, and he downed the rest of his scotch. 

 

Leaving the empty glass on the bar, he stood up from his seat and straightened his navy blue trenchcoat. He then turned back to the women who now looked amused with some kind of mischieveous glint in both their eyes, and strode over to them.

When he stopped in front of them, one of them raised a cocktail to their lips in amusement, and took a sip. 

"Ladies," he greeted with his charming smile that always worked. 

"Captain Jack," one of the women, the one with mad, brown hair, said in return. To him, whe looked like a kind of scary Mary Poppins. A Mary Poppins on drugs, maybe. 

He chuckled, "you know me?" He asked with a bit of surprise. He may have been a bit more surprised, but... well, his reputation proceeds him. 

"Of course," the woman answered, her Scottish accent coming in full force, "don't you remember me?" He was sure he would remember someone as beautiful as her if they had met before, but he honestly didn't know who she was. 

"Should I?" He asked with mirth. 

"I would say so, considering I was your prime minister for years," the woman said with a nod. 

"Prime minister? Who are you?" 

The woman sighed heavily, "I'm the Mistress, or Missy, formerly known as the Master," she said with a raised eyebrow. 

"The Master?" Jack repeated, his hand moving to his gun holster. 

"Yes. I regenerated, but that's all such a bore and I don't even remember it. How about you sit with us and have a nice drink?" The Mistress suggested, gesturing to the seat in front of her and the other woman who had been drinking her cocktail

"I don't think so. Why don't you tell me what you're doing here," Jack demaned, ready to grab his gun.

"Oh, enough of all that 'I'm gonna be a hero' nonsense. I've turned good, now are you gonna have a drink with us or not?" Missy snapped. 

Jack hesitated for a moment, but the sincerity in the woman's fierce eyes forced him to sit down in front of both the women with a silent sigh. Maybe it could be fun, he reasoned with himself.

He leaned forward on the table, looking the woman whose name he didn't know yet. He grinned, "so, what's your name?" He asked, briefly looking at her mass of blonde curls. The first words that popped into his head was _space hair_ , but he obviously didn't voice them.

"Professor River Song, archeologist, and wife to the Doctor," the woman said, reaching a hand to Jack. He shook it, stunned. 

"You're married to the Doctor?" He repeated, feeling a bit of hope fade away, but also a bit of pride. He was proud of the Doctor for finally tying knot with someone, but his hope faded because it meant he had no chance with the beautiful River Song. Nor the Doctor.

"I am," she confirmed with a smile. 

"How did you do it? How did you get the Doctor to marry you?" Jack asked with a chuckle. 

"Wouldn't you like to know?" River asked with a wink, sipping some of her cocktail. Jack chuckled, already liking this woman. He wasn't so sure about Missy, but if the Doctor's wife herself trusted the mad woman, then he supposed he could give her the benefit of the doubt. For now.

Missy suddenly clapped her hands with an excited look. "Right then! What're we having?" She asked the two.

* * *

 River Song gulped down her shot, wincing at the way it burned her throat, chest, and then stomach. Missy and Jack did the same with the former squealing in delight when she was done. 

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Missy yelled loudly, causing some other customers in the bar to look their way in annoyance. "Let's get another round of those! Two, actually. Two each!" Missy continued, banging the table and pointing at Jack, the one who was currently buying the drinks.

Jack chuckled and pulled out some cash, he mock saluted and stood up then almost toppled over which caused Missy and River to burst into raucous laughter at his expense.

The Captain shook it off and headed over to the bar to order six more shots for them. As he was waiting for the shots, a worker stood next to the empty stage tapped his mic. Jack turned to look with interest.

The man brough the mic to his lips and spoke into it, "it's karaoke time!" He enthused, prompting almost everyone else in the bar to cheer. Jack chuckled and picked up his tray of shots, taking them back to River and Missy. On the way over, he concentrated really hard on not tripping.

When he was successfully back to the women, he put the tray down and passed two shots to Missy, two to River, and kept two for himself. The women dove right in, downing their shots without hesitation. Jack was the last to down his, gasping when the liquid burned his throat.

"You know what?!" Missy suddenly blurted out.

"What?" River slurred, looking at the woman. Jack turned his attention to her too.

"I am going to- I'm gonna sing. That's what I'm gonna do," Missy declared, pointing over to where another customer was currently doing karaoke. River snorted and Jack burst out laughing.

"Really?" Jack asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. Wha's wrong with that?" Missy demanded.

"Nothing, nothing. Please, go sing," River encouraged almost seriously, but couldn't keep the grin off her face.

"Yeah, you go for it, girl," Jack nodded. Missy responded with the nod and stood up, her purple dress skirt ruffling. She determinedly made her way over to the man running the karaoke.

Jack and River watched with barely contained amusement as Missy leaned on the man's shoulder in what seemed like a casual act, but they knew was to keep her from falling over if she stood up for too long. She pointed at the laptop in front of him and gave him a song. River and Jack didn't know what song it was, but they laughed when Missy forcefully told the current singer to get off the stage so she could sing.

The man quickly nodded and rushed from the stage to join his friends. Missy grinned and took the mic, stepping onto the stage.

Music started playing through the speakers and Missy held the the mic up to her mouth. Then she started singing...

_《Hey, Missy, you so fine_  
_You so fine, you blow my mind_  
_Hey, Missy_  
_Hey, Missy...》_

River and Jack burst out into peels of laughter at the woman singing on stage. She might have been good if she weren't so drunk and slurring her words.

At one point, River had to hold onto Jack when she thought she might throw up because she was laughing so much. Jack held onto her too, he almost fell off his stall laughing.

* * *

At the other end of the bar, a blue police box faded into view. No one paid it any mind as they were all clapping along with the woman singing on stage.  

 

Out of the police box stepped a blonde woman wearing a grey trenchcoat and blue trousers that just stopped above her brown boots. Three other people stepped out of the police box, taking in their surroundings. 

The blonde woman's eyes drifted towards the woman singing on stage and she blanched. 

"Oh, my God..." she muttered to herself, shocked.


	2. Guilty Feet Have Got No Rythm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I found out today that apparently Time Lords handle their alcohol the same as humans, but are able to shrug it off easily because of their fast metabolism. However, if their drink has ginger in it, they get totally hammered (for lack of better word) and they can't shrug it off.
> 
> :) well, I can work with that.

Missy finally finished singing with a very enthusiastic 'Hey, Missy!' The patrons in the bar started up an applause as he took an uncoordinated, dramatic bow and dropped the mic on the stage when she straightened up. With a cheeky grin, she got off stage and stumbled back over to River and Jack who both had amused grins on their faces as they clapped for her, unaware of the blonde woman in a long grey coat watching her from the other side of the bar.

Missy sat down with River and Jack, looking both smug and proud of her act on stage. She picked up the drink Jack had gotten her whilst she was singing and took a big gulp. It turned out to be Jack Daniels and she smiled appreciatively.

"What did ya think?!" She shouted over the sound of someone else taking part in the karaoke.

"You were brilliant," Jack said with a grin, the laugh lines around his eyes visible.

"That was amazing, dear," River replied with a barely concealed smirk.

"Thank you, girlfriend," Missy squeaked and leaned in close to River. Jack's eyes widened with amusement, eyeing the pair with renewed interest.

"I'm not your girlfriend, dear," River laughed heartily.

"You could be," Missy winked at her and leaned back to drink some more of her alcohol.

"I'm married," River told her with mock shock, a hand on her chest.

"We can change that," said Missy, tapping River's nose.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Protested a blonde as she rushed up to them with three other people following her in confusion. "Hands off my wife," the woman told Missy, pulling River away from her.

"Wife?" The woman's friends repeated in shock from behind her, obviously only just hearing about said wife.

Jack straightened up in surprise, too, but he had no intention of breaking up the fight if there was going to be one. Who could blame him? He was a fifty-first century guy, and if two very attractive women wanted to start fighting, then so be it. Especially if they were fighting over another very beautiful woman.

For a moment both Missy and River stared in befuddlement at the blonde woman, before recognition dawned in their eyes.

"Doctor," they said, any hostility gone.

"Doctor?" Jack repeated. "That's the Doc? Do all Time Lords eventually regenerate into women? I could get on board with that."

Ignoring Jack, Missy stood up and sidled up to the Doctor, trapping her in between both herself and River who hadn't moved. "How nice of you to join us, Doctor," said Missy, "I like the new body. Bet I was your inspiration," she winked.

"Y-y- stop fliriting with everybody! Especially my wife!" The Doctor exclaimed, flushed from both embarrassment and annoyance.

"Jealousy," mused River, lightly trailing a hand over the Doctor's jaw, "that's new. I like it."

The Doctor blushed furiously, "I am not jealous," she muttered defensively. It was an obvious lie.

"It's okay, sweetie. Now, how about you and your friends join us for a drink?" Suggested River, though she didn't give her an option before pulling the Doctor into the seat next to her. Looking between each other awkwardly, the Doctor's friends joined them at the table as Missy returned to her own seat and Jack stumbled off to get them all another round.

After introducing her friends to each other, the Doctor, with her arms crossed and a pout, spoke up, "so, what are you three of all people doing here?"

"What does it look like, dear?" Missy said, raising her cider and downing the rest of it before Jack brought back more drinks.

"You must've drunk a lot to be this drunk," the Doctor pointed out miserably to her best friend/ enemy. A bar in the fifty-first century was the last place she wanted to be. Especially with Captain Jack Harkness and Missy. Plus, she had her new friends with her. Who knows what God awful things her wife and old friends would reveal about her.

It was at that moment, as River was telling her to lighten up, that Jack decided to shuffle back over, balancing a tray of drinks on his palm like a restaurant waiter. He plonked himself down at his seat at the table and placed the tray in the centre of it, some of the drinks contents sloshing around with the force of the action.

"Ladies, gentlemen," Jack greeted with his usual flirty smile. The Doctor rolled her eyes and cast her eyes to River, to see what she thought of him. Unfortunately for her, her wife didn't seem to be bothered by the Captain's shameless flirting. With a huff, the Doctor turned back to Jack who was handing out the drinks he'd bought for everyone. She was surprised he remembered whose was whose with the amount of alcohol he'd drunk.

A shot glass was handed to Missy, along with another, taller glass. Missy was quick to knock back her shot and get started on the other drink, thankfully a lot slower than the way she'd drank her shot. Jack then passed a fancy looking cocktail to River with a wink. He grabbed two beers and gave them to Ryan and Graham. The Doctor was thankful her friends were at least getting normal, human drinks. Next, an apple cider was given to Yaz. She thanked him and tentatively tried it.

"I saved the best til last," Jack stated, his gaze on the Doctor. The latter eyed the last two drinks on the tray sceptically. She wasn't sure which was hers as they were both clear liquids. Jack picked up one of the glasses and placed it resolutely in front of her. It was a normal looking glass with some kind of alien leaf on the ridge.

Not wanting to drink it, the Doctor told him, "I don't drink."

Beside her, Missy and River snorted into their own drinks. "Since when?" Missy chortled. The Doctor blushed in embarrassment and uncrossed her arms, pointedly ignoring her new friend's looks.

"Come on, you'll like this," Jack told her.

"What is it?" Sighed the Doctor.

"Voquila."

"What?!" The Doctor, Graham, and Yaz blurted at once whilst Ryan choked on his beer. "I'm not drinking that!" Stated the Doctor, pushing the drink away from her for good measure.

"Oh, come on, sweetie," River chastised. "For me?" She asked and leaned forward slightly, just enough that the Doctor had a perfect view of her cleavage. The Doctor's eyes widened and she pointedly kept her eyes from straying.

"Not a chance," she squeaked helplessly.

"Please, my love?" River requested in a bittersweet voice. The Doctor licked her lips when her mouth suddenly felt very dry. Slowly, she reached forward for her assigned beverage (if that death trap could even be called that).

River leaned back and smiled at Missy, the latter matching her Cheshire grin. "Doc, you're not really gonna..." started Graham, but stopped himself when the Doctor quickly tipped back the clear liquid and swallowed almost all of it.

"Gah!" She exclaimed, waving her arms around wildly and coughing harshly. She reached forward for Yaz's drink and took it, downing the decent tasting apple cider to try and quell the awful burning in her throat and stomach. When the cider had been sufficiently drained, she gasped with some semblance of relief and gave Yaz her now empty glass back.

"Well done, sweetie," River congratulated her, taking what looked like a ten pound note from Missy under the table. The Doctor weakly glared at her. "Oh, I think the wife needs another drink," she then said, throwing a wink at Jack as Missy grinned beside her. The Doctor faintly recalled that, that grin had haunted her since she'd been at the University.

"No," the Doctor put her foot down, "you are not giving me anymore of your disgusting drinks."

"Oh, sweetie, you don't have to have anymore of that," slurred River, "but I would appreciate it if you did stay for a few more drinks." The Doctor had the strong urge to just say no, get back in her box, and find something better to do with her fam, but her love for River crushed the urge underfoot and won out. After all, she couldn't just leave her wife with Captain Jack and Missy, of all people. That was just asking for trouble.

"Fine," she eventually spat out, sending an apologetic look to her fam, "but no more of... that."

"Thank you, sweetie," River smiled brightly, pressing a kiss to the Doctor's cheek. "I'll go get us more drinks," she told the Doctor and got up to get said drinks.

The Doctor sat back in her seat with wide eyes, staring determinedly at the wall on the other side of the bar as her very drunk, very uncoordinated wife draped herself over uer and whispered... inappropriate things in her ear. River had come back half an hour ago with everyone's drinks and got to qork on hers. When she was done with that, she went straight to getting touchy-feely with the Doctor. After being chastised by the the latter, River had settled on making inappropriate comments instead.

Unfortunately, neither Missy nor Jack wanted to help her, and she was too embarrassed to ask her friends for help. They'd only just found out she had a wife, she didn't want to ask them to create some kind of distraction for her so she could escape under the excuse of getting another drink.

Shifting in her seat to try and get comfortable, the Doctor tore her eyes away from the wall for the first time in what felt like a decade when she realised she hadn't done diaries with her wife. The thought had been enough to bring her back to the present. She hadn't realised how much she missed doing diaries with her wife until now.

"So, where are we for you?" The Doctor asked River, if only to distract her.

"Sorry?" River said, clearly not understanding in her drunken state.

"Where are we? In our timelines?" The Doctor clarified.

"Well, I'm a professor now," said River, followed by a wink in her direction. Blushing, the Doctor turned to look at the table.

"Oh," was all she said in response to her wife.

"I'm going to get some drinks," Missy interrupted them before River could say anything. Thankful for the distraction, the Doctor's head shot up.

"I'll come with you!" She announced much too happily. Missy smiled widely and held out a hand to help her get up from the seat. Not needing help, but accepting it anyway, the Doctor took her friend's hand and got up. Not letting go of her hand, Missy dragged her over to the bar.

When they both took a seat on the stools, the Doctor wasyed no time in telling Missy what she wanted. She wouldn't let her oldest friend order her drink for her, God knows what she'd get.

"Oh, dear," Missy told her when she requested wine, "you can't have wine in a bar. I know just what to get you, don't worry."

"What? I can have a wine in here!" The Doctor whined.

"Of course you can't," Missy retorted.

"Well, can you at least tell me what you're getting me?"

"You'll have to wait and see, Doc- _tah_."

"Fine," huffed the Doctor.

\--

"Here you are," Missy chimed as she handed Jack his drink- a scotch. He raised the glass in thanks and started on it. "And a nice whiskey for the pretty lady," Missy said and gave said whiskey to River. "Cider and beer for the Humans in an alien bar," a wink was thrown in the direction of the Doctor's friends as they were given their drinks. "And of course, this lovely little drink for my oldest, bestest friend in the whole universe!" An odd looking drink was handed to the Doctor, a brownish colour with a green leaf floating on the surface.

"What is it?" Asked the Doctor.

"Well, drink it and find out, silly!"

"Not until I know what it is," said Doctor.

River picked up the drink and smelled it for the Doctor, who watched her patiently. The unidentified drink was placed back down on the table with a grin.

"Oh, it's nothing, sweetie," River told the Doctor, "just a cider."

"... promise?" The Doctor prompted, watching River carefully with narrowed eyes.

"Promise, my love," River nodded and pressed a kiss to the Doctor's cheek.

"Okay..." slowly, the Doctor reached for the glass and picked it up. She swirled it around a bit and watched as the leaf was thrown about on the small ripples. Steeling herself, she took a deep breath before bringing the drink to her lips and starting on it. She swallowed half of its contents just before her eyes went wide and she stopped, bringing the half empty glass away and slamming it down on the table.

Missy cracked up, holding her stomach and one of River's arms for support.

"Missy!" Exclaimed the Doctor in shock. "That- I can't drink that! It's got ginger in it!"

"I know! That's why it's funny!" Squealed Missy.

"Wait, hang on," Graham spoke up with worry, "why can't she drink that? Is she allergic to ginger?"

"Not quite," said Jack.

"See, Time Lords can get drunk just like Humans, but because off their fast metabolism, they're able to easily shake it off," River explained, "but the same can't be said for drinks containing ginger. They can't shake it off and get heavily drunk."

"So, the Doctor's..." Ryan started, only to close his mouth when the Doctor slumped forward in her sleep with a slurred laugh.

"Pissed," finished Jack.


End file.
